When You Aren't Comfortable In Your Life

It is so hard being in a relationship. Worrying about whether the person you are with will get mad a something as trivial as having your family over. Granted said family has caused me grief but that doesn't mean I never want to see them. I should be able to make decisions without worry. It's not even that he says anything, it is the body language. And if I brought it up there would be the denial which makes me question myself. I am so sad about everything now that I just wish it were all done sometimes. So I come up here and hide my feelings and think about how this is the way it is and it will never be different and there is no solution. I will write this down and then I will try to create to ease my mind but the way I feel right now, I just don't know. I just don't know.

 

Sadness in My Older Age

 I have dealt with feeling sadness all of my adult life. The day to day activities of life can sometimes keep it to the back of my mind but lately it is in the forefront more often. I have lost two sisters within months of each other. One was ill and it was expected and one was not so totally a shock. They both were in their eighties so long lives but still hard to deal with. 

What this has done to me is once again made me feel confronted by my mortality. I am almost sixty seven which doesn't seem that old in today's world. Yet I suddenly feel like I am near the end of my life and it is a bit frightening. I feel like I should be preparing but cannot seem to put that into action. Should I be disposing of the multitude of material things I have? Or should I just enjoy my things and let the world take care of it when I am gone? I am leaning toward the latter because I do define myself by my things. The worse thing lately is the stark loneliness that I feel. I have family and am in a relationship yet feel decidedly alone. I have various things to keep me busy yet they hold no appeal as of late. This feeling of nothing really matters keeps trying to grab hold of me. As I sit here writing this I am listening to music because silence is hard to bear. It amplifies the loneliness. I have not painted or created in quite awhile because of that feeling of nothing matters creates a sense of why bother. I know this is depression but knowing does not always help. So I am writing about this weight of sadness here to try to maybe ease it a little.

Needing to Vent Without the world knowing

I have feelings that just roll around inside me with no place to go. I am finally in a house but now I feel like a ghost walking this space. I never seem to be happy. What am I supposed to do with myself. I understand that my family has their own life and issues but do they ever wonder about me. Does everyone think I can spend my days cleaning or crafting or facebook surfing and be happy? Does my man not understand? Of course he doesn't. I am so sad all of the time. I worry about things I can't control and want everyone to be safe and happy even if it isn't my job to do that. This makes me anxious. I could just stay in bed and no one would know. If I stayed in bed and got up an hour before the man came home I could get any chores that needed to be done done and he would never know. I guess everyone thinks I am lucky to not have to work or go anywhere etc etc. But mostly I feel stuck just stuck. 

Being a negative sort of person

 I realize I only really write stuff here when I need to get negative feelings off my chest.

You see I don't really want to give them to the real people in my life and they can't really help anyway.

My life seems so unnecessary these days.

I get up every morning with the feeling of what is the sense.

I eat, drink coffee, make the bed and shower.

I do what ever chores need to be done though somethings get left by the wayside because of that what is the sense feeling.

I check social media like there will be magic there but as we all know there isn't.

Sometimes I walk to the store for a few things but all that does is remind me that I am older and tire easier and that things don't make you feel happier.

Sometimes I will create stuff, crafts, paintings or such.

But that also brings on the what the sense feeling. Making stuff to add to the stuff I have surrounding me.

I will show photos of my creations on social media expecting some magic I guess. Nope magic has fled my life.

I am disconnected. I am in a relationship but I have become angered because I feel disconnected.

I am angry at him for something he cannot help and I also feel bad that I am this way which makes me angrier and so very very sad.

So sad that I can't breathe.

So sad that I feel like I want to be sick.

I have family but yet still feel disconnected. Always afraid they will see how dark I am. 

I am disconnected.

Long Distance Love

 Traveled to South Carolina to visit my son and his family. Done right it is a 14 hour trip without major incident. Took a bit longer on the way down because of traffic delays. I am not the driver because I actually don't drive. Rich is stuck with the job of getting us places which bothers me a bit but I am his helpmate on the trip. Sometimes though I want to yell at him for getting so impatient and sometimes I get scared because as a passenger you have no control. All of those big trucks are very intimidating and when there is construction it is far worse. Still I think we make a pretty good team. It was so nice to see Daniel and Mikayla and my grandbabies. We had three days of doing stuff together which was great and exhausting at the same time. It was so much better when they lived here but I understand that they have to live their own lives. I am thankful that they aren't across the country because I pretty much would never see them. Still even a 14 hour trip is so long and costs are so high that I have to accept that visits won't be frequent. Even typing that made me sad but it is what it is. So I will send them my long distance love. Text and call and facetime once in awhile will have to suffice. Still the kiddos are hard to talk to long distance because they don't pay attention and why should they. It will have to do until the next trip to get those wonderful feeling hugs that only family can give.

A Grandma Reading a Story

 

Being in a relationship

 I realize that I am not good at this relationship thing. I pretty much like to do what I like to do without worrying about what someone is going to think. That being said I constantly seem to worry about what someone is going to think. What a contradiction. I sometimes do things that I am pretty sure my partner wouldn't agree with because it is what I want to do. Like paint the front door red. So I did that today and it turned into quite the mess. I taped up a tarp so that I wouldn't spray past the door; that almost worked well. What I didn't account for was the spray coming back at me and down the hallway. I was so intent on get the door covered that I just didn't notice. When I got finished with the door I noticed there was overspray all down the hall. My brain just about exploded. I spent over two hours cleaning the mess hoping that I hadn't gotten spray anyplace important. The thing is, if I lived alone I would feel stupid and move on. I don't live alone so I feel stupid and am worried about another person's reaction. That just doesn't feel right but it is what it is. I wish I was better at these things.