going dead inside

Going Dead Inside

by Jackie Reeder on Monday, September 26, 2011 at 9:09am

Sometimes you can feel like you are going dead inside.

The things that used to envoke strong feelings no longer do.

The things you used to care about fade to the background of existence.

Every day gets harder and harder because the reasons for being no longer seem to matter.

Existing? What is the sense in just existing in a world with no joy or purpose?

Put one step in front of the other, plod, plod, plod.

You know this isn't the way it should be or the way you want it to be.

Trying to pretend that you are alive and the same as ever may work for a little while.

Yet it gets harder and harder to put on an acceptable face for the world.

It is so tiring and probably even unneccesary because the world sees what it wants.

Why am I dying inside? What is the cause? Why can't I get past this? 

I feel scooped out, a shell with no substance that will soon collapse from the pressure around me.

I do not want this to be the way it is, yet the more I try to recover my balance the more unbalanced I become.

I am lost, on a dark road only I can see; the dying inside myself blinds me to any paths of salvation.

Remembering

It was a normal day, or a least that is what we all thought. I had gotten Daniel off to school and gotten dressed to go to work. It was a day that I would catch the 11:00 bus to Whitesboro. Sat down on the couch to watch some television before I left and there was something on about a major event happening. I saw smoke coming from the tower. When the newscaster started talking about a plane crashing into the building, my mind wondered how that could have happened and then when the second one hit and they started talking about the plane crashing into the pentagon my mind started to whirl. I am sure I am remembering this jumbled but it was such an intense moment and after ten years I might be mixed up a bit. Still I do remember. The order doesn't really matter does it? What matters is how the way you felt stayed with us all after all of this time. I remember feeling at first like it wasn't really happening. When it sank in that they were suggesting terrorism, my mind and heart screamed, oh my God, here we go. Even at that instance you couldn't help but realize that life had changed forever. I sat, I watched, I cringed, I wondered how many people were inside and how they were getting out. And then the tower fell, goosebumps rise on my neck even as write that. I will never forget the things that I saw and sometimes I wish news coverage wasn't as great as it was or that I had already been on the bus. Still the fact that I was in my living room and watched this event unfold as it happened is a great testament of how technology can unite the world. I wasn't there and yet I was. My mind screamed, my heart cried and I wished there was something I could do. We all experienced shock and pain that day and many days to follow. Anger soon followed for many and as is the way of the human mind that anger might have been directed towards many who didn't deserve it. Ten years have gone by and the memories linger and there still residual pain for many. I only hope that we all realize that there is evil in this world but that the whole world isn't evil. Do not lose sight of the wonderful things all people can and will do. Do not label a group of people as evil if they share the same heritage as the few who did this evil thing. Do try to see through others eyes and feel what they might feel, difficult as that always is. Remember a dreadful time but do not relive it over and over giving anger and despair power to control how life is lived. There have been dreadful things happening in the history of the human race since day one. Let us try to learn from it and hope we eventually rise above our baser instincts. Life is a road lined with great and wonderful things and also many dangers and pitfalls. All anyone can do is just keep putting one foot in front of the other.