sketches

fractured senses

my bird that appeared in the doodle I was doing

just a note

I am in a strange mood once again. I can't honestly remember the last time I was genuinely happy without any reservations. Any feeling of happiness or joy always has a trailer of (but still) attached to it. I really think this aging thing is getting to me way too much, did I think I was never going to age. Maybe I need counseling on how to handle it. What I would really like is for it not to happen. I advise anyone to find something in life that defines them besides how they look or how they feel physically because those two things are the ones that change drastically and unless you have something else you just might be lost. I do have other things that define me to me but still when I look in the mirror or groan just trying to stand I just want to burst into tears and hide. I really hate feeling this way but can't figure out a solution. Really I just want to stop caring about such things. I just want to be happy, to enjoy the person that I am without criticizing everything that makes me me. Not only do I judge myself harshly, I find that I am laying judgement on others and intolerance is becoming part of me. I feel like my personality is evolving in a way that is distasteful to me and without any direct involvement from me. I know that doesn't make sense but it is that whole feeling like I am in this world and also slightly to the side of myself. This feeling is very hard to make people understand but that is because it is inside my head not theirs. This is just a note to make some of these thoughts go quiet inside my brain for a bit.